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What award did the creator of the knock-knock jokes win?
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“The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, ‘Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.’”

Jerry Lewis

‘I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’

Bill Hicks

Do you know the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.79 and deer nuts are just under a buck.

A guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady. He says to her “Boy you have a big butt…she goes…why you *peep* and starts smacking him around. He goes in the mens room, fixes him self up, combs/fixes his hair, straightens out his glasses etc. He goes back and sits beside the same lady.

He says to her “Boy you got small boobs..”. She says do i really!? He says “Yeah and i know how you can make them bigger”. She says “How!?” He says you go into the ladies room, take your bra and shirt off.. take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs.. She says oh my god.. do you think that will really work for me? He says why wouldn’t it.. it worked on your big butt didn’t it…

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

An old woman walks into a singles bar looking for a little action. A distinguished older gentleman approaches her and they really hit it off. After a few drinks they decide to get a hotel room and get it on. As they sit naked on the bed, the old man takes out his hearing aids and moves in.

The old woman stops him and says, “before we do this, i should tell you i have acute angina.” The old man looks at her, smiles and says, I sure hope so, cause you got ugly boobs

An alcoholic and his wife attend his company party. He drinks so much that he doesn’t rememeber anything about the party the next morning. The wife says: “Well, you did it this time.” He replied: “What do you mean?”
She said: “You made an ass out of yourself in front of your boss.”
“Piss on him!”, he retorted.
“You did, and he fired you”, she slammed back.
“Well fuck him then!”, he replied.
Calmly, she replied, “I did. You go back to work on Monday.”

An American man comes to a weaponshop and asks: “Hi..I’d like to buy a big gun to shoot some cans. What can you advise?”
The guy at the counter replies: “What kind of cans, beer cans, coke cans, soup cans?”
Then the man answers: “none of those, I’m going to shoot MexiCans, DominiCans, Puerto RiCans!”

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