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“If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in Paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?” – Sara Pascoe

‘I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.’ – Emo Phillips

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
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“The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, ‘Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.’”

Jerry Lewis

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale’s

I’m always on time with my jokes. I guess you could say I’m pretty pun-ctual.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

When chemists die, they barium.

If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they’d be alloys.

How much sex do Catholic priests get? Nun at all.

Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I saw a girl today who had 12 nipples. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle

How much does a hipster weigh?
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‘If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.’

Marcus Brigstocke

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games to much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

‘Where there’s a will – there’s a relative!’

Ricky Gervais

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