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A man and his wife are walking down the street when the wife turns to her husband and says “honey, I think it’s snowing” the man looks back at her and says “no it’s raining.” To settle the debate between the two they ask the friendly redcoat standing at the end of the street. The redcoat, Rudolph tells them that it is in fact raining. The husband turns to his wife and says “see, Rudolph the red knows rain dear.”

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.

“If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in Paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?” – Sara Pascoe

‘I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.’ – Emo Phillips

“The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, ‘Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.’”

Jerry Lewis

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale’s

I’m always on time with my jokes. I guess you could say I’m pretty pun-ctual.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

When chemists die, they barium.

If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they’d be alloys.

How much sex do Catholic priests get? Nun at all.

Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I saw a girl today who had 12 nipples. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle

‘Where there’s a will – there’s a relative!’

Ricky Gervais

‘I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’

Bill Hicks

‘I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.’ – Richard Lewis

Wife by text to husband at work: “Windows at home frozen – what will I do?” Husband : “Spray some de-icer, if that doesn’t work pour on hot water!” Wife a few minutes later: “Done that, now computer won’t work at all”.

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