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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.

What award did the creator of the knock-knock jokes win?
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere..

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.

“If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in Paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?” – Sara Pascoe

‘I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.’ – Emo Phillips

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
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I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale’s

I’m always on time with my jokes. I guess you could say I’m pretty pun-ctual.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

When chemists die, they barium.

If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they’d be alloys.

How much sex do Catholic priests get? Nun at all.

Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I saw a girl today who had 12 nipples. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side

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