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‘I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’

Bill Hicks

Do you know the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.79 and deer nuts are just under a buck.

‘I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.’ – Richard Lewis

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing??
They always drop their needles!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!

One in two and a half men is HIV positive.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

 

Don’t let an extra chromosome get you down!

 

My wife and i were happy for twenty years; then we met..

 

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

 

Say what you want about deaf people..

 

The first time I got a universal remote control, i thought to myself “This changes everything”.

 

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when i got home, all the signs were there.

 

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

 

People say i’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.

 

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious….

Over the course of the evening Lees verder

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